From Thinking to Knowing

My mind often wanders back to the hospital room, the beeping monitors, the scans of my father’s brain, the car partially folded and his belongings scattered. The longest week of my life, the one where we all aged 10 years. It hurts. It sucks. As the anniversary approaches, it feels like I’m coming down with the flu. I am spacey, anxious, and weak.

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I was asked to sing this weekend, not only help lead worship but it is my turn in to sing the special. My pastor wrote and said he picked “Good Good Father.” When I read the email, I instantly burst into tears. You see that is one of the songs we sang over and over again. One of the songs we listened to while driving all night fervently praying I’d make it to Georgia in time to see my dad before he was called home. A song we sang in his hospital room, the song we sang by his hospice bed waiting for his transition to heaven.

“God no, not so close to the date. Why this song?”

He quietly pressed on my heart, “Because, I’m still good and people need to be reminded.”

I showed up for practice and one of the first things my pastor said was “I changed a few of the words.” You see the song started with,

“I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think you’re like.”

But as my pastor reminded me, we have the Bible we can read and know what he is like. Instead of that line, I will be singing,

“I’ve read a hundred stories of what we know you’re like.”

This Sunday I will do my best to get through the song, and if I don’t, I don’t. I recorded the song on my phone to share with my family who won’t be able to hear it in person. I sing it for them, I sing it for my heavenly Father who is still good, the one who never changes. But most of all, I sing it in honor of my earthly Father. The one I am missing so much. But heart breaks all over again, the memories are flooding, the tears are flowing. But I cannot keep silent. He is still good.

This is for you dad, I miss you.

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