When darkness comes in like a flood.

My youngest child is four months old. He is our fourth blessing and would be considered an “easy” baby. But something about this postpartum has been different. It’s been hard.

People warn you about the crazy emotions associated with postpartum. I warn new moms myself. I was as prepared as I could be. I had JUST been through it three times before. But this has been something else entirely. I’m not just battling mixed feelings of joy, sadness, frustration and exhaustion. I am battling a darkness.

I started to believe I wasn’t needed. That my husband didn’t really love me. And my kids didn’t really need me to wake up and help them. I usually am someone who can pep talk myself out of getting too low. I battled severe sickness with all my babies. I’d come to a low, cry out to God, ask friends for prayer and keep pushing forward. But this was different. I felt ashamed… I have FOUR beautiful babies, a husband who is much more helpful than most and who loves me well.

The flood of darkness was overtaking me. I came across a story of a mom who took her own life. She had a beautiful four-month old baby, a loving husband, and a community of people who cared for her. The story shook me. Although I wouldn’t label myself as suicidal. I am not immune.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5:6-11

I broke my silence slowly, I wrote a letter to my husband. It was the only way I felt comfortable enough to open up. After I told him, I shared with a few others. It helped and I could feel darkness recede. I still have bad days. The battle with darkness won’t be over until Christ returns and/or he takes me home. But I will battle.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

You’re not alone. You are loved. If you have been out of fellowship, I plead with you, get back into it. If you’re flooded and too week to swim, ask for help. ❤

“The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

 

This is David Augustus. My little “gus”. Our Fourth blessing.

***Friends, if you need help PLEASE get it. Sometimes just sharing and being open isn’t enough and you might need medication to help balance out. That is more than okay. I wouldn’t have four babies without the intervention of modern medicine keeping them and myself from fatal dehydrated. Sharing is the first step***