I have a choice. Today I choose…

I was standing in my garage, helping my husband move boxes down from the attic. I found a shoe box full of some of my random stuff from before we were married. Mostly pictures. I quickly flipped through them holding my breath and then accidently said out loud.. “phew, thank goodness.” After realizing I said it out loud I looked up and saw Justin watching me and he said “none of your dad?”

You see we’ve made it through the week of him on life support. We spent his last days singing to him, holding him, praying over him. We honored all his wishes for burial. We planned the memorial, and did our best to honor him and God at the service. But now what?

What can I do when everything that has to get done has been done and I’m still left without a father? This week I’ve been doing something, I’ve been getting angry. While teaching my son to ride his bike, I get angry that my dad will never see him ride it. While packing to move to Florida, I get frustrated knowing I’m moving into my parents’ house… But now it’s “mom’s house.” While at the mall I see old couples in their 70’s & 80’s and I get mad cause the Lord chose to take my dad home and now my mom is left again to pick up the pieces. Friends, I’ve been battling.

I know God is good. I know he was gracious in how everything came about. I’m richly blessed to have the family I have. But knowing all that doesn’t suffice. I have to make a choice in how I’m going to act upon that. I need to choose to be thankful. I need to choose to remember all the good. When I stop running from the pain and memories and take a moment to pause and think, I can be thankful. The pain won’t subside but the anger will fade and the peace will start to overflow. I can’t keep running.

This is a song my church sings, it’s been one I’ve been trying to sing when I get angry and frustrated.

“My heart is filled with thankfulness

To him who bore my pain;

Who plumbed the depths of my disgrace,

And gave me life again;

Who crushed my curse of sinfulness

And clothed me with his light

And wrote His law of righteousness

With power upon my heart.

 

My heart is filled with thankfulness

To Him who walks beside;

Who floods my weaknesses with strength

And causes fears to fly;

Whose every promise is enough

For every step I take,

Sustaining me with arms of love

And crowning me with grace.

 

My heart is filled with thankfulness

To him who reigns above,

Whose wisdom if my perfect peace,

Whose every thought is love,

For every day I have on earth

Is given by the King

So I will give my life, my all,

To love and follow Him.”

Now I have to make the right choice. I need to not shy away from certain activities because it brings memories that are painful. I need to stop and breathe when I get frustrated and list things that I’m thankful for. It’s not easy, it won’t ever be. But God is gracious and will sustain. I’m reminded and challenged by Colossians 3:15. It says, “And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called to one body. And be thankful.”

Today I choose to be thankful. I choose to lift up my hurting heart and praise.

 

**I’d like to add a special thanks to all of you who have encouraged me to keep writing. It’s not easy. It makes me challenge my innermost self and I usually don’t like what I find. But I want to be a vessel that God can use, however feeble my efforts might feel. If I only bless one person it is worth it. Thank you all again for your continued prayers for us as a family. They are felt and so appreciate.**